You didn't Ask

You didn’t ask me if I’d walk beside you in the dark,
You didn’t ask you wept it out - and so I held your hand;
Those frightful nights when cliffs were all you saw
And falling off them didn’t seem a long way down.
You didn’t ask, and yet my footprints glow beside yours
As the light emerges after nighttime pain.

You didn’t ask me if I’d hold your hands in mine,
You didn’t ask but cried for help - and so I held on tight;
As tears of fear and rain of angst assaulted you
Burying you in the rubble of your choices.
Your life fallen round your ankles.
You didn’t ask, and yet I run my finger with a smile
Along the fingernail marks etched into my palms.

You didn’t ask me if I’d hurt when you hurt,
Break when you broke,
Cry when tears tumbled from your soul
-And yet I did that too..
I wept those tears of blood and pain
and hurt for you

And now, all pieces neatly picked up in your heart,
All stones thrown out and thorns so gently plucked,
You tell me I’ve no right to ask to have a say in where I walk.

Don't ask me how I'm doing.

You say you're going to miss me. You say this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. You say you don't know how you'll cope being away from me. You ask me if there's anything you should feel bad or guilty for.

But in truth, what you're really saying is "Tell me you'll be my doormat - waiting for my return, and tell me it's okay to do to you what I just did."

You want me to justify for you, the same actions I asked you about.

Did you ASK me how I felt about your trip? No.

Did you ASK me if I was okay with you being away, if I would be okay with the distance? No.

Did you consider for a moment, how this would impact me? No.

How do I know you didn't? Because I asked you. I asked you - did it cross your mind for just a moment if I would like to come with? And your reply was No. For reasons X and Y and Z and P and Q. No. You didn't answer politely, you shouted at me, you became angry, said how dare I question you?

So my reply to you is simple - Silence.

Silence, I've learnt, speaks volumes. What I would like to say to you, I cannot.
I want to tell you - "how dare you question me?"  I want to say "How dare you, after all we've been through, do this to me without even the courtesy of considering how I feel, and then turn around and expect me to justify your wrong actions. How dare you promise me a trip and then simply "announce that you'll be going - and someone else will be going with you. How dare you then assume that I HAVE to be okay with it, HAVE to support you with it, HAVE to accept that this is OKAY?

Too much is not okay with me.

Far too much.

27km in 3.5hours!

What a morning!!

Crawled along at less than 1 kph, stop start stop start. My poor clutch!!

Truly my record worst - 27 kilometers in 3.5hours! UNBELIEVABLE!!

Just what I need!!

If I could say what I'd love today, it would be this -

To sit at this exact spot and watch this sunrise, and let those rays bounce around me. I can smell the dust of the earth and the green of the grass, and feel the cooling afternoon breeze on my skin already, if I look close enough. I'd want to be wearing a beautiful flowing, floral dress, down to my feet, the softest, pink scarf and matching little cashmere cardigan, and sneekers - whiter than white, unafraid to be blackened by the earth. Next to me, I'd like a book, and a tray, with a tea-cup and a gorgeous, decadent slice of cake.. .....

Oh.. how divine!

I've decided I'd love some green tea, with a dash of lemon and lots of honey.. so hold in my hands as i gaze at that sunset..

                                       This is the scarf I'd wear - soft and floating, and gently lifting in the lightest breeze..

This is the dress I'd like - to curl around me in a deliciously feminine way..

                                          A lovely, soft, cashmere cardigan to keep away the nip - left open so that my heart too is open to  
                                                                               the beauty of that creation..

                                                                             I know just what I'd like to be reading !!

I'd like something special, that's different, that's "ME"

                                             And this would be the type of road I'd walk along to reach home again..

OH NOW THAT was a wonderful thought!!

Beautiful Shoes

This one's in honour of a beautiful sista - who loves beautiful shoes - these two are the most beautiful I've seen so far. (Shoes, not sistas!)

With 18 karat gold heels and hand-dyed silk petals, these shows also boast a pure gold bee, with onyx and agate. Not too bad at (urgh) US dollar - 27,945

Christian Louboutin - couldn't find a price on this one! It's in his Winter 2011 Collection, that's as much as I can tell you. Guess its not available to the "average girl"

Trusting..a tall order

I've been doing much soul-searching.
I've been doing much praying.
I've decided it's time to stop with the swaying.
it's time to be grounded,
time to just know,
time to stand firm,
time to let go.

It's time to give in
to the power within,
to the power of God,
and the knowledge in HIM.
I don't have the answers,
I don't have them all,
I don't have too many of answers at all!

So I've been doing much turning
towards that true source,
the ONE that is only,
the ONE that's seen worse.
He knows of my dark clouds,
He knows of the sun,
He knows of opression,
and that's never won..
not really,
not ever,
not right at the end..
and so it's in HIM
that I trust to defend.

I've been doing much soul-searching.
I've been doing much praying.
I've decided it's time to stop with the swaying.
it's time to be grounded,
time to just know,
time to stand firm,
time to let go.
And I find that I'm calm,
that I feel ocean breeze,
I feel warmth in the sunshine,
I feel much tensione eaze..
It's time to start KNOWING,
to KNOW That I KNOW,
To look to the past and see how I've grown.
To see that my pain, and my sorrow has been
just the seed that is dying,
to the growth from within.

Today is a good day,
a day filled with calm,
with light and with goodness,
and "I don't give a damn"
Cause I know that HE's watching -
my ONE and my TRUTH..
he has been, since childhood,
through birth and through youth.
I'm holding the ropes,
as the angels surround me
I'm looking UP now,
and I'm glad that HE's found me..

Subhanallah.

I spoke with God today

I spoke with God today.

I wondered where and when and why..

I asked him why I cry.

I fell upon my face and lay prostrate,

And shed those tears into the hands of angels..

I spoke with God today,

I asked him who and how and if,

I told him why I came.

I lay my heart open at His mercy’s Gate,

And told him that I do not wish to carry hate..

I spoke with God today,

I shared my thoughts with him,

And told Him to decide.

I did not ask for patience or the courage to endure,

For surely tests would follow,

And I cannot bear no more..

I spoke with God today,

I beared my soul and strife,

And it will be okay in the end..

Whatever be this Life.

We writes it all in ink so clear,

And only prayer can change it.

So I will pray and hold on tight

To ropes the angels gave me.

I’ll walk in hope, a longer while..

I’ll give from him, some more of love

For in me, more, there is none.

Copyright@2011 LifeScents101

Soul Journey

Don't feel bad if I am sad, If you come across my blog and find it heavy, it's okay..

just walk away..

My mind and heart and soul are currently engaged in choice, in breathing and in feeling what I must, to be who I can.. who I am.

So here's a thought if you're feeling down.. sadness is not sadness without a searching of the soul; it is a selfish walk in fields of self-righteousness. And so, if I am sad, I want it to amount to something.. to some awakening, to some light upon this pathway of my life. Many have gone before that fully comprehend the depths of what I am living through.. here are a few..

After all, what's the point of sadness, if you can't leave the tears behind, and gather up the jewels of soul - learning?

~ We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again. ~   Unknown

~ Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~   Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

~ Man could not live if he were entirely impervious to sadness. Many sorrows can be endured only by being embraced, and the pleasure taken in them naturally has a somewhat melancholy character. ~   Emile Durkheim

~ Sorrow is one of the vibrations that prove the fact of living. ~   Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~ Silence is medication for sorrow. ~   Arab Proverb quotes

~ Sorrow breaks seasons and reposing hours, Makes the night morning, and the noontide night. ~   William Shakespeare

~ For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been. ~   John Greenleaf Whittier

~ Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt. ~   Tom Gates

~ The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. ~   Carl Gustav Jung

~ One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often. ~   Erich Fromm

~ Melancholy is sadness that has taken on lightness ~   Italo Calvino

~ No society has been able to abolish human sadness, no political system can deliver us from the pain of living, from our fear of death, our thirst for the absolute. It is the human condition that directs the social condition, not vice versa. ~   Eugene Ionesco

~ I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life. ~   Jerome K. Jerome

~ Sorrow is like a precious treasure, shown only to friends. ~   African Proverb quotes

~ We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again. ~   Unknown

Thinking of you.

I'm thinking about you. Thinking about us. Thinking about me. It's time I did some thinking.

It's time I consider what exactly I am to you..
I don't really know, you see.

I'm your wife, but I don't share your bed except sporadically,when business and time and circumstances permit.

I'm your companion, and yet it seems that I can acompany you so long as I agree - to listen, and reflect, and then not comment unless what I say and what I do mirror what you already feel.

Perhaps, then, I am a mirror..

I'm your lifemate, and yet it seems I must await you to be ready for me to show my colours,
and then too I must do it such that it does not cast shadows on your own radiance.
I can and do radiate the colours of a home with which you are pleased,
a recipe or two, and tea, as per your likes,
and kisses when you wish - which is each moment..
so perhaps I am a bird..

but birds are caged,
and birds are never silenced so I cannot be that..

Perhaps I am an object of your desire.. simply that.

But objects of desire are simpy things;
taken out for play when convenience shines..

so maybe I am all of these, a mirror, a bird, a toddler's ball

And YET - I am a woman.

With mind, and heart, and soul, and feelings that come alongside the radiance of the light I've shone on you so long,
that I forget if it is day or night within my own self.

I'm thinking of you,
of us,
of me.

I found me long ago.
I gave you me.
I don't want to lose you,
but darling,
I need her back.

No reason

There doesn't have to be a reason
when my silence falls..
when empty yes or no falls from my lips
There doesn't have to be a reason,
I need not explain..
for you should know..

There doesn't have to be a reason,
when that darkness comes,
when all I do is listen,
and nodd.

And yet.. there is.

There's always a reason,
if you care to ask,
if you care to know,
if you care to understand.

The reason is that words
would fall upon deaf ears
or worse yet, an angered heart..

and so, the silence is a better friend,
the tears a better company when the receiver's down.

Until the words grow far too strong to silence..
until I'm left with no choice but to scream,
and run..
and leave..

There doesn't have to be a reason
why I want to speak, and to explain,
when I want to voice my thoughts,
when I want to colour my opinion
with the strength of my beliefs..

But I will keep them still for now,
watching, waiting, hoping..
because even though
there doesn't have to be a reason,
I have many ;
Many reasons,
many words,
many thoughts,
and should you wish to listen,
I'll be here,
and should you wish to NOT,
perhaps I won't be for very long..

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, my child!  My heart, my strength, my smile.. I hope you know how much this mommy loves you.

My darling son,

I watched you being taken out of me, it feels like just the other day. Yet here you are, a separate being, and yet your smiles and your every moment flows, still, in my veins. I love you more each day and will continue to strive to be the best ME I can be, so that I can help you be the best YOU that faith and love can bring!

I've carved a life for us in blood and sweat and prayer, and I hope that it will be worth it in the end - for you, most certainly. I know you know about the tears, and in moderation, this knowledge is good; it lets you know I'll never lie to you.

So when I say I'm sad, it'll be okay. And when you see me happy, then let's embrace the moment with play, and laughter and joy, balloons and bubbles and giggles. And let the hugs never end, no matter how the skies look, no matter if the tears fall, or the heart sings.

There is no day of sadness that isn't helped along by just a smile from you - seeing you makes me know it'll all be okay in the end.

Your inocence renews my faith, you kindness renews my trust in humanity, and your curiosity helps me see the light, the goodness so that I can point that out to you.

I pray your life is filled with sunbeams, with fewest trials possible, with true love and true giving and true kindness and true faith. I pray your walk is firm, sober, aware, and that you make the choices which are good and wholesome and sound for yourself and those you love.

I love you, son.

Funny pic



Yep - That's the way it goes.. LoL...

Life's what happens while you're making other plans

This isn't how I planned it at the start, let me just say. Things weren't supposed to end up this way.

I hadn't planned on getting married at all. Growing up, I thought it must be really hard to keep things together. Mom and dad were great at keeping it together, though. Each had their role and everybody knew their place, yet we sat around the table and chatted up a storm, and the television wasn't more than another piece of furniture.

Then, came Mr1. Everybody said what a good choice he was (but nobody spoke their real mind). The wedding day came and went in inocent expectation of "content ever after" although happy was not really a consideration. It should've been. Needless to say, it didn't work. I pulled and tugged, let go and held on, tried and talked and silenced the words, but in the end, the separateness won over and it all fell apart. Could I have done anything different? No. You can't clap hands with just one arm.

Enter Mr Right. Or so I thought. Or so I think, and hope, but have my doubts after these last 5 years. Is it too much to ask to share about one's day, to smile and hold each other when the going's tough, to remain true to that feeling of closeness and battle away life's trivialities together? I guess it is too much to ask.. there's hope, of course.. but hope is like a ghost these days - it comes and goes, and when it wafts in , I find myself thinking "You look familiar." But just as we become re-acquainted, it drifts off; or is blasted out by an angry sound that I never could expect, never would've known could escape the lips of the one I love, but these days don't like too much.

Respect flies out the window when abuse moves in. And though I've tried to label it with many things, it is what it is..

I'm trying, I know he's trying, at least he recognises he has a problem, and not just when he's sorry he has pulverised me completely!

So maybe there's hope.. but it's hard to make any plans.

So I shift my focus for a while, long enough to heal, long enough to say "hello old friend" to the ghost beside my empty bed.

Sadness is a friend, these days. Like a well-worn shoe or an old companion. Happiness doesn't visit as frequently anymore. It's not that I don't invite her in, it's just that she needs her special brand of smile and I'm all run out right now.

I'm trying to locate her. Within me. In the meantime, theres sadness, theres a little fear, there's a large dose of disillusionment and a dollop of anger. Anger's building up.. Anger's not a great friend, though - it's loud.. and who knows - it may spook hope away for good...


Guess life's what happens when you're making other plans..